quick update

i just wanted to let all of you know that nanny was ok. she just very very tired. also, nanny starts the heavey medicine in 10 days. she will likely fall in and out of consciousness. we will then work at nannys comfort measures then. all depression and psychiatric medicines will stop.the heart medicine stops, and we watch over her untill she takes my mother/her grandmothers hand. she also has had confusion. she sees angels in her room. i think my precious duaghter is about ready.nanny told them she wanted 10 days before she agreed to the medical plan. this is just happening too fast. and i wanted you all to know, she loves and misses you. she adores you all. thank you for making nannys difficult days a little bit better

we had a 4am visit with the hospice nurse for pain. i'm just numb

we are working on the arrangements for nanny. she picked out the beautiful outfit that marylea sent to her. and i'm going to let nanny out into the ocean(i had previously wanted to send her next to my dad and mother. at Mountain view cemetary. we are just tying up loose ends, and my sister nancy will be nannys power fo attorney. her father was unable to be, so she chose nancy, who didnt think twice. nancy lost her daughter to an overdose. and will take on nanny.

the odd thing is. 4 years of not having one, nanny asked me last night for a banana split. i also got jenny something and something for me. nanny ate 2 bites and that was it. is this normal? can someone help me know how every step goes so i understand. my email is kellycountry2002@yahoo.com i have so many questions and worries on my mind

lynn, nanny hopes you can visit. sandie she misses you.

anyone is welcomed to visit

no sad tears for 10 days. then we can let the river flow

we'll write more tomorrow

mama k

about 5am helping nanny with her arm. and yes, we have been up since

Hiding My Pain and a Visitor

I guess I am really good about hiding my feelings and emotions. I did good for about a week and I was really good about it. Then I thought to myself, what would everyone want me to do. I tried so hard to hide how tired and in pain I was. I worked so hard at keeping my eyes open, and ignoring the exhaustion that plagued me. I felt so tired that it seemed like I hadnt slept for days.

But I guess I couldnt hide it much longer come Thursday.

I broke down and told Chaplain Debbie that I was in more agony then I said I was. I broke down and cried. I told her that I didnt want stronger medicine because I didnt want my family see me sleep during the day. I didnt want them to see I was sick and sleepy when I should be awake.

Thursday I could do no more. She said I had to stop thinking about others and to allow my body to rest like it needs to. And she told me medicine helps keep the pain away, but the amount I was on would make me extremely tired as well as try to help my pain control. And I Needed to admit that to Nurse Jenny.

I told Nurse Jenny the same thing. Well Chaplain Debbie did.

"Nanny you have to tell me when you are in pain," nurse Jenny told me.

I told her I didnt want to sleep during the day because I was afraid my family would see me. And I know they are already going through a lot. I told her I needed to be strong.

"No, you need to be Nancy," she said, "You would be at this point with or without pain, when you are in more pain and the medicine isnt helping, it needs to go higher. But when you are going to take this much it will make you sleep."

She told me that I shouldnt  try and keep my eyes open during the day. To allow my body to go through the natural process that happens when your body is in the dying process.

So I gave in.

And Monday I will start the 150 Fentynl patch. Unfortunately if that doesnt work, we will go to the IV medicine and then I would sleep for long periods of time.

I have to stop and be how I truely am feeling. I need to allow myself the sleep. Yes Mom and Jenny will see me sleeping, but they need to be prepared for that.

Nurse Jenny took MOm and my Jenny and explained to them what I was going through and that my body  is going through a very natural thing, and they will see me sleeping for longer periods of time.

Life goes on so fast.

So I guess I learned a lesson that I always tell to you guys. To never ignore the bodys aches and the body's pain. I know its ok to sleep and that I should sleep whenever my body needs.

I am trying so hard to learn this new routine. Only, I have to put ME first, and give my body the break it longs for. I want to tell her that there will be plenty of time in Heaven for me to take breaks.

"Your body is like a glove" she said (with your spirit and soul in it) And I am running on fumes. The soul in this body is trying to prepare itself for Heavens trip. I will sleep more and more.

And my life will drift away.

All my life, I did and gave for my family. I gave them everything, and more. And I need to learn that that part of  my life is closed. And I need to open for the new chapter of it. For its just beginning. My body is going through a major pain, and it will need a lot of sleep for that.

Stop thinking about others, and think of Nanny/Nancy they say. I gave all to your family and always put them first. I still do that with what ever I  have. And can do. Even if it hurts me. Always gave them what they wanted, even if it was mine to have. And sometimes I dont even get a "Thank you" from them. And sometimes they get annoyed when they hear my door bell calling for help.

I dont mean to be a burden.

Oh, why did it go so fast? Why didnt I love every minute. I look to the moon and stars in my room and smile as it reminds me of where I will be. Suns, and stars and planets. Color and expresions and peace.

Peace

Peace be with you all

Nanny
this morning(explains why I need to sleep now)

My heart and me

David always being silly

hes about the only one that can make me giggle. I dont know WHAT I was laughing at in this picture

To David, I can still burp better than you.

Please believe in me.
Nanny

PS To the sweet person who literally sent me a rainbow, I thank you. Now at night or when I lay on bed I can see rainbows, stars, and the moon. Thank you for giving me that. Night isnt too bad anymore now.

Experiences

This morning I woke up at 9:30 and told Jenny to get up because it was 11 am. She looked at me, well glared and said, its only 9:30! I kept trying to tell her it was 11 untill she finally grabbed the clock and it said 9:30

At 10:15, I woke up and screamed for my Mom. Telling her to help me up because it was 11 am. Again, they both tried endlessly to show me that it was not the time I thought it was and that it was only 10:15. At one time, calling them liars. Can anyone explain this

TO BROKEN ARROW: You came to me last night. I have been fighting it thinking it was an email but you came. You came and landed in  front of  me and told me it was time to say goodbye to all my friends and family. You put this beautiful necklace over my neck and you told me the many names I needed to say goodbye to before I was allowed to "move on to the next destination". You brushed my hair back with your hands, adjusted my oxygen tubes and told me it was time. You said "They will be ok but you must do this before you can move on. Leave your legacy here". There are so much I want to share with you about this dream that I dont want to post here. But this dream was so real. PLEASE email me

updated sunday: nanny had a rought night last night. she said she was in pain since 3 this morning and finally told us about an hour ago. hospice is coming now and upping nannys pain to where she feels comfortable. everyone tells her its ok to ask for pain medicine or help. we tried the prescribed joint gel, but she is just an unhappy camper right now.

we'll try and update later mama k

she sleeps under rainbows and stars

this is what is used to make a rainbow. it takes triple a batteries so we scampered around the house to find them

the results of it when the lights are off:

now she sleeps with the moon on, the stars shinning and now a rainbow

thank you all.

nanny and jenny get baptized and say goodnight not goodbye

chaplain jenny gets ready to baptize nanny

debbie baptizes nanny

jenny waits for chaplain debbie to baptize her

after jenny was baptized

video can also be found in the video section

nanny says goodnight to all her animals including jennys hamster Zeke

From Nanny: 9:pm

When Chaplain Debbie asked if I wanted to be baptized I cried with fear/hope/loneliness/pain/sin. I told her yes, please! I wanted to be baptized so badly. I was thrilled when she said she'd do it. Since I am unable to make it to the restroom, she baptized me there on my bed. I felt such peace and calm ness

But guys? I am scared to death. So scared that I wake up in the middle of the night calling out to Jenny. Its not easy.

I try so hard to put on a strong front. There was a long period of denial that I figured, if I didnt face it, then it wouldnt be true. I have this stupid image in my head that constantly taunts me about being the strong one. So I put on this facade in front of my family, and I dont admit to them how much pain I am in. I know that if they think I am comfortable, then they will be alright.

I'm not doing alright guys. I'm struggling with all I have.

And I realize, I need to stop struggling. Its too hard. I need to allow my body its rest now. I need to realize that things in the body I have been in for 36 years, are shutting down, and resting. We had blood tests done just to see where I was at. And they just tell us we are on the path they figured I 'd be at this point.

Jenny and mom wake me at night all the time. I spoke to a friend about this and they said "If it was your time you'd go". But then I talk to Chaplain Debbie and she told me something totally different. I realize I am stuck in a very difficult spot.

They said my breathing changes and gasps at night. They said that the other night they couldnt wake me for 5 minutes and they called hospice right away. A hospice nurse(a male can you believe it) came in and talked to me and he touched areas of my body. He heard vibrating crap in my lungs and I finally admitted to them that it felt like my Chrones was back. "Nothing but bone" he said as he had his hand on my back and my chest.

We will not be doing anything to stop the chrones. It's all comfort measures now.

But what scares me is that I stop breathing at night, or I gasp. I dont know what it feels like to die. I just know that I no longer like the things I used to. I have no desires out of this room. I dont want to see people half the time, and all I want to do is sleep. The thing is, is that I struggle all day with my overwheling sleepiness. So far my stubbornness has won. But it makes for  a very difficult day.

I want to thank my family and friends who have called me. It is difficult for me to speak as I run out of breath and its difficult to make a word I have in my head, come out throuigh my mouth. I am very dehydrated and my mouth is full of cracks and sores.

This is so new to me.

And its scarey

I spend my time playing board games with Jenny, watching movies and spending time with my Marylea just chatting online.

Let me just say this to Marylea. Thank you. You have gone far beyond anyone I know by dealing with me. You understand my emotional changes, the ups and the downs. You are right there with me. I cant thank you enough for that.

I dream of Heaven. And speaking of Heaven, I just love my moon and my stars in my room. The shooting stars, and the light of the moon. Now if I could add colors to the walls through lights, it would be so comforting and feel like my dreams where I travel through space and see all the colors and perfectness that is space. I am just on the edge to the universe. Bursts of color are everywhere. And space is the most beautiful place, so I imagine on the day that I finally grab grandmas hand, or I finally "step over", I will experience every vibrant color and shooting star I can imagine.

Ok. I just needed you guys to know that. Unfortunately my hands and brain dont work together anymore and I am unable to make beaded bracelets and necklaces with Jenny. I wanted this time with her more than anything.

Good night guys.

And as Marylea says, "Say goodnight, not goodbye"

Goodnight.

Nanny

PS And I love your letters, and cards and even Walmart cards for PJ's. I truely love getting your handwriting on a letter or on a card. So please, keep sending them, for as long as i can read them. And when I am no longer able to. Jenny will read them for me. Just a letter, or a card telling me how you are. It makes me smile.

Also, please send pictures of where you are. You know how much i love the pictures and your stories. It helps me to see a part of you in them, and see that you are under the same sky

no matter how far away youa re.

Peices of Me

Me and my brother Gary: I love him with all my heart

Here I am with Soffie

sorry about my mouth and lips . Dehydration does that to you.

It seems that all my life really, I only imagined me to be at the point I am in right now. It's like when I was born, someone made a huge mistake. Because throughout my years leading to this, I did everything to hurt myself instead of taking care of it like I should have. And now here I am. And its difficult for me to type and its even harder to talk. So please forgive me if I mess up. I wanted you guys to know how I am. I havent updated in a long long time.

It's funny and ironic all the family and friends that are coming out of the woodwork to be with me NOW. Its sad because it took this to get them here. I love my family. Very very much. And I am thankfull and delighted that most of them are talking again after many years of not talking. A lot has happened this year hasnt it?

I know that life is going to go on. Can you believe that I still feel like I should take care of my family and others? I still feel like I should be the strong one of the family. Sometimes it *is* that way. I have nothing of my own. Nothing that is strictly *mine*.

What I am ecstatic about tho, is that my Dad reentered the picture. We had lost contact due to  misunderstanding. I emailed him 2 weeks ago? Or 3, and he came out that Saturday with my Step Mom and he had my sister with them the next. I love my Dad so much and I am thankfull that my nurse Jenny told him what to prepare to see. I mean, I am not what he saw a year ago. Yes, I am still his daughter, still a human being, but this human being has been through on difficult road the past year.

I know that him and Gary need to put up the shelves around my room. Hospice has asked and when I saw Nurse Jenny Monday, she said that the shelves and access had to be fixed. I guess just like everything else, I will just give up and put everything away. I feel like I am taking peices of me and putting her away. I see less and less of my identity all around me, each day. Instead there is a portable yuck on the side, and another medicine here and there. There is a rail on each side of the bed, because I fell out of it again.

The most difficult would not be narrowed down to just one problem. It's vain I know but I'm being selfish for once.

I need to keep my family, and no matter how much it hurts me or shortchanges me, I want to help. I found out today that my neice crashed my laptop. Darrin told me years ago, to back things up on a computer, and like the fool and procrastinator that I am, I lost: everything. And I lost thousands of pictures from 2004-2006. They were all gone in an instant.

I feel like peices of me are disappearing all over. It is a stark reminder that my work on earth is truely just about to be done.

I am sure one would say, "How in the world can she type on the computer if she is THAT sick" I assure you unfortunatley, I am, and you can ask the many tears what thier origin is. There is too much damage  here and I think this is the first time I've updated in a month?

Sometimes I feel like people want to hurry and get it overwith. Other times, I feel like they tell me to keep fighting.

Thats it, I'm NOT fighting.

I need you to let me go.

I can no longer get off the bed on my own. My knees are shot. There is no strength in my knees to lift up. So Jenny helps stand me up. Sometimes I do "ok" other times I fall, or I keep hold of Jenny and tell my feet "Ok feet, right foot first, and left the next" and I cant do it. My coordination is uncontrollable. So its best to guide me so I dont fall.

Speaking is the hardest. Forming a coherant sentence and I when I cant it makes me fill like an idiot. I guess as your body readys to shut down, certain things happen and sure enough, they happen. I tell Nurse Jenny about it and she says "That is normal honey, your body is letting go"

And how did I all of  sudden become a frightened 2 year old who is scared of the dark. I see things moving and I call for my Mom. And they come in. Jenny usually lays with me untill I fall asleep. Sometimes mom does if there is anything interesting on my TV.

I want to thank the precious souls who sent me the moon and the stars. It's almost like I am really out there, and that makes up for not being able to go out there. Very few days I feel good enough to go on a walk, Jenny pushing me in my wheel chair. We went today.

One day I felt GOOD. I felt so good that I said, if I felt that good then there is nothing wrong with me. I felt normal. What I did was stupid, because I ended up not only injuring my knee and elbow, I cracked my back, again. Just proof that Hospice has my best interest in mind.

My dreams have changed and formed into familiar ones. Do you remember a long time ago, when I told you I would dream of Grandma? She would be far away? Or that I would be far away from home and I would walk in the snow and ice and I would slip and trip all the way trying to get back home.

Well Grandma is almost within reaching distance and the ice has turned to water, and my father is taking me to home on a boat.

I have been very angry in myself because of the way I see my family hurt. I wish so much that I wasnt doing this to them.

The days just mesh and color together, and many times I have no idea what day or time it is. I guess when I sleep I have been stopping or gasping to breathe. There have been a few times when Jenny and Mom say that they shook me so hard for 5 minutes to get me to respond.

Nurse Jenny had the best answer

"Dont do that" She told them that they are interuppting a natural process.(Not a good thing to tell the mother this because a mother would do all she could to keep her child alive)

Let. Me. Go

We are going to have Christmas early. My strength and want for life is no longer there. But I wanted to be able to get mom a  large portriate of her, me and Jenny. And then one of  Dad, Michelle, Kari and I.

I try the very best to get things done from where I am. I am not very good at returning emails or phone calls as my voice is always gone, but I am so tired that I cant return the emails. I hope you understand that is why. I read them,I am just not up to responding. Lazy? no, Plum Exhausted.

All of my clothes have been put away and given away. I no longer own a pair of pants or shirts. What is now in my closet is my PJs. Just the way I can be all day in my PJs. Hey, they are comfy clothes

A lot of people have come to see me, that I havent seen in a long time. And I wonder, ARe they coming out of guilt? Or do they genuinely want to see me. I never went to that healing ceremony because that just felt very wrong to my heart. And I couldnt do it.

I will be healed. Just not the way my loved ones have wanted.

PLease guys. Please know that I am not able to return things so quickly. Especially letters etc. I do adore getting them, so please forgive me if I didnt get to you. I am so sorry.

I am so lucky to have the family and friends I have in my life. They have stuck through it all.  Good times and bad.

So as I ready my body to go to God, I need you to know to keep fighting. I love you and I want you to enjoy life. If you see a frog, think of me. If you see an  all white peacock think of Angel Marcia.

I miss you all so much. Please know that I read things from my computer. My Dad made it so that the computer was only a touch away. And it is, and I have been able to be on more. Just not up to updating.

I figured it was about time to haul my lazy butt on over and see how you are.

I really dont know how I feel. Sometimes I feel they hold me back, others I feel like they want to rush it. So much will be different in this room :(

Sleeping is something I dont look forward to. Wait, I should change that to the Dark. Its actually the dark that terrifies me to no end. I need someone in here untill I fall asleep. What a chicken huh? Sometimes when I do fall asleep, I will wake up and scream for my MOm. or Jenny. Sometimes I am not sure why I screamed for them, other times its because I see the Angel and my Grandma and I get scared.

My nurses are wonderfull. So far I only see Jenny. I ADORE her. I see a chaplain Debbie.(What is the difference between a chaplain, pastor, priest?) or are they all the same?

I met my bath aide on monday. Her name is Jackie. I really dont think I will be ready on Friday when Nurse Jenny and her come. Images of my past just get me.

But it will be here, and in front of my nurses eyes, and I'll be okay.

So guys, that is  my update. Its really getting a lot harder for me to talk, breathe, and do just a normal activity. The other day I had a Turbo and I hit my cheek instead of my mouth.

God bless guys. Keep those chins up. and PLEASE fight

Nanny

also homestead: thank you for 11 great years.

from nannys beautiful loving freind celia: