"Its ok to be human"-Dr. May

I wont lie and say that it hasnt been a difficult couple of weeks.Its been one of the HARDEST times of my life. But today, I realized, its ok to be  human. And I am human. Human error is bound to happen. It's always there and it will always be. I am no exception.

The past few weeks I have learned that being human is ok. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. Will we face more human errors in the future? Yes. And I am sure, well I am positive I am not immune from it.

I saw Dr. May today. I fell the other day and caught myself on my right arm. I dont know what made me so dizzy and about to faint(but then again I know: not enough nutrition). Anyways, by yesterday I was afraid I broke it. So we went to Dr. Mays today. I shared some alone time with Dr. May, and shared some things I would only tell Lyn. And Dr. May was very understanding. She has been my doctor forever.

She told me that with what I fight each day, a big mistake was bound to happen. So, being human, I fell, and I fell hard. I am dealing with the consequences now, but I am starting to claw myself back up from the hole. And I am learning that there is help along the way. Friends, doctors, family and other loved ones.

This disease continues long after recovery. You can fall at any time. And I fell alright. But my friends and family have not left me. They asked me if I learned my lesson, and when I said yes, they held out thier hands and pulled me back up.

We will have weekly dressing changes at INfusion in St. Peters. I think its going to be every Friday. This will help my other doctors with time to find me a GI doctor. In  the meantime I will have regular blood checks, and if I feel dehydrated, I can go in and get fluid.

So, its ok to be human. I needed to realize that. And when Dr. May said it, even after I told her of my gross human error, she told me it was ok. That every person falls. Every disease has it setback and I was about due lol. She's a lovely lovely lady.

Tomorrow I see my phsychiatrist, with whom I will share things with, and I am lucky enough to have lyn back in my life.

I just wanted to say, I am sorry for not updating much. I am sorry for being so negative, and not realizeing that a lot of emotions are going on in this house, and it was "normal" to have a set back.

I am back and I am ready. With whatever comes my way next. In the meantime, I was reminded to reach out to others, and remember my purpose. To help others realize the devastation that is this disease.

I'm ready.

I'll try and put up some pictures later.

All my love

Nanny(back to her old ornery self again)

I'm sorry if you needed me and I wasnt there. Please email me and message me again. I am here. I love you

Dear Sandi

Do you remember when Mom first had you try her cucumber salad? How you had just eaten lunch and you had no room left for anything? You would still take a bite. Remember when she made enchiladas and she sent some home for you and Paul? Remember all the times she tried to feed you, or take something or try something?

Remember when all was quiet and you would change my dressing, and your stomach would rumble from out of no where???

Remember when you made everything sterile and one of the cats would jump up on the table and we'd have to restart??

Sandi, its been nearly 4 years.

You have been my shinning light. You have been my best friend in person that I could ever ask for. You were more and are more than just my nurse.

Tomorrow you are coming to say goodbye, and I"ve cried about it all night. I dont know how I'm going to hold it together. I am just so sorry. So very sorry. I dont think its fair that they didnt give us ONE MORE chance to say goodbye.

Some say if you are true friends you will not say goodbye.

Who will I talk to?? Who will listen and be my confidant? St. Peters will not be as gentle with my dressing as you were. Remmeber how I wouldnt let anyone but you or Diane touch it? But mostly you. Even in the hospital?? You came and visitedme every time.

Oh Sandi, what am I going to do? I caused so much pain, and now I'vel ost you. Not by your choice. But because of a mistake I made. I"m going to miss you so very much.

I will miss out on our garden project. I will miss showing you what is blooming new.

I will never forgive myself for this.

I'm going to miss you. You have been the best, and most sweet person I know in person.

God bless you Sandi. I'm so sorry.

Forever

Nanny

A Letter

Jessica, me and Gary(Jessicas fiancee)

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry it has been so long since I updated. I kind of felt like if I hid and put up a wall, that things would be easier to deal with. Unfortunatley, I chose the wrong thing to do. I felt that if I tried to deal with things on my own, I could make sense of it and could accept what was happening to me. I put up this wall to not only my friends, but to my family. Darrin, I will be home after 5pm today. Please call back.

I think I have a habit of pushing people away due to my fear and acceptance of things. Therefore, since I found out we were losing the line, I felt that pushing people away was the best thing for you. I'm sorry if I failed you or shut you out in any way. Its just far too difficult to do this, especially with family hurting like they are.

Today at 2:45, we find out when Dr. Matlock would like the line pulled. This Thursday is possibly the last time I will see my precious nurse Sandi pending cultures.. I have seen her since 2005. But, I failed as did my body, and its just not worth the risk anymore.

Everyone looks at me with sorrow or pain. And I wish so much that they would look at me, once again, with the hope they had not too long ago. Instead, it is overrun by fear and sorrow that t hey look at me.

It has been difficult for me and my independance has been lost. I need help at all hours of the day and I know it is weighing down on Mom and Jennifer. They take care of me 24/7. I remember when I used to fear I was being a burden. Only now, I know that I am. As I need help with everything, including the simple things.

I lost myself and identity. And I still havent found it. I felt like I am not Nancy anymore. I feel like she died. Like I am an empty shell of what used to be a human being with purpose. Now I feel like I have no purpose.

I have been lucky to have my family. They are a blessing and they are  here when I need them  the most. They help me with everything. Even when I am angry at my loss of independance. I think that is one of the hardest things beside losing this line. How will I cope and keep my body safe? I dont know. I cant get in enough nutrition to keep my body going, and I know I have lost weight these past few weeks. I dont have a lot of room to lose much more weight.

Losing this line is going to be the most difficult thing for us. Deep inside I am praying that Dr. Matlock will say I can keep it and we are able to be on TPN. I am scared tho, of another infection. Extremly scared. I have just been through so much with these lines, and I understand the reasoning of why they feel it must be pulled.

If I could change one thing, it would be that some people reading this letter will realize the impact, and pain that my family and I have been through the past 4 years. Its not fair to them and its not fair to yourself. Making the choice to starve yourself or binge and purge is hurting them, as much as it hurts you and your body.

The next few weeks are covered with doctors appointments. And I know that it wont be easy on me or my body.

But that wasnt the reason for this letter.

This letter is for the family and friends who thought I have "left" them, or let them down. I'm sorry I shut you out or havent visited your site. But you were never far from my heart or mind.

So bear with me. If you want to stay away I understand. But I have old habits, and the first habit is to shut peoplt out so I can cope.

I'm sorry I failed you or let you down. I've been online sharing for 10 years. I truely feel like I let you down.

Love

Nanny

the little things

nanny and phillip

even when you are an adult, moms are always needed

update coming soon

happy birthday marylea

angel marcia we missed your phone call.

you are my sunshine

"you are my sunshine" phillip tells nanny

one thing is for sure, these passed few weeks, that we have learned is that no matter what, time marches on. and so do our lives. no matter what we are faced with, we are still facing times, as they change. while time and tomorrow is not always promised to us, we must learn to face every day with dignity and respect, and like warriors.

one thing is for certain, these days are difficult, and i know that our family will come out ok. in sharing nannys story so openly, we hope that it in some way changes your view of eating disorders and those who fight it. it is a next, to impossible disease, but it is worth winning. you must continue to fight, and face each day with the tools your family and loved ones give you.

our family has grown tired, however, we are STRONGER. our bonds are tighter, with those willing to fight for us and with us.

i remember telling nanny the other night that i needed a break. jenny and jessy had been impossible all day. so i told nanny i needed some time to myself. she understood and let me go. what i didnt realize was that nanny thought i needed a break from "her". yes we all need breaks from one another, but that comes with being together 24/7.

jenny will be taking a 'break' tomorrow with her friends and going to the movies. not a break *from* nanny, but a break from all of us and the daily fight we face.

i take it as, i get to take care of my daughter again. i get a second chance to help her life,  and help her face each day. its getting harder, but i would not trade it for anything. i need to find a way to give nanny a break from jenny and i. perhaps from the house, and her surroundings.

patty, my sister nancy have been so wonderfull with time. spending as much time helping as they can.

so you see, although time marches on and our lives change, what doesnt change is our love for one another. its a beautiful thing. that we take breaks from, from time to time, but never let go.

keep fighting

mama k

the passed few months have been devastating and wonderfull. to all of you coming and visiting nanny, or calling to check on the family, we thank you. together we will fight this demon, and hopefully one day, save a life.

lacybunny sent nanny sunset pictures from minnesota. thank you for remembering nanny and her love for the ocean and sunsets:

we may enable comments soon.

Physical Therapy Today and Therapy Tomorrow

updated tuesday: nanny made a video she wants all of you to see. she is slowly stepping back forward. swim forward we should say.

"I dont know if, or how I can forgive myself"-Nanny

he brought celia and her together after 12 years of friendship

Well I went to Physical Therapy today. It  was hard work! Come to find out my joints are pretty shot and tired. I cant blame anyone for that. He doesnt feel that exercise will be good for me now, but has urged me to take it easy and try to get moving when I have pain meds. I guess the main purpose is to get you up and about and that is what he feels will help me. He doesnt see that exercise is a good thing for me.

He wants me to wear the leg brace higher up the thigh and only when I am doing something that is weight bearing so that the joint doesnt bend. I just know that my right leg always hurts. It appears to be in both knees(though my left leg doesnt have much pain sometimes), both hips, lower back, left elbow. He said it could get worse with time, but I am taking EVERY MOMENT as I can.

But I will take it as it comes and I will deal with it as I am able. Tomorrow I start counseling again as does Jennifer. They suggested that I go in with Jenny the first few times(2 for me), just so she can see that it is an "ok" thing to do.

Jenny WILL return to school in September full time. Yayy!!! She PROMISED to give it a chance. I'm hoping that counseling and her urge to be with friends will benefit her.  Here are some pictures that Jenny took earlier.

So if any of you out there have DJD or ongoing pain, can you suggest what to do to help?

Love

Nanny

PS A wonderfull organization:

http://www.puentesperu.org.uk/index.php?channel=home

Mom and Gary

Jenny and Gary

Yes everyone...Jessica dyed her hair...........................again

Mwah, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahling

A sisters kiss...................................